


love is a stranger to me

by flowerthought



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:56:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27541183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerthought/pseuds/flowerthought
Summary: Todd stuggles with his feelings for Neil
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	love is a stranger to me

Todd had the words, that wasn`t the problem. They were swimming in his mind, hid away from judgmental ears. They had been played on repeat since he discovered them and tried to come out at every chance they could. But he wouldn`t let them.   
Every time he noticed the urge to speak, he locked them deeper inside than before. He let his walls fall down once more.   
It was one thing to let his feelings form freely where no one else could se them, but to invite another person in? That was more than he could handle. If the words had the chance to be heard, that would give them a meaning outside of his control. It wouldn’t just be a silly dream that kept him going through the day. They would live inside another person.   
If he opened that window, there was no way for him to lock it on his own. No matter how fast he closed it again, it would exist a moment in time where he let someone see his soul. A moment where another person had the chance to rip everything apart.   
It wasn’t easy to keep all the love inside, but he didn’t see another way. And no matter how hard he tried to lock everything up, there was always something that found its way out.   
He could feel it in every smile, in every touch.   
Every second he spent with Neil, turned him into another version of himself.   
It was hard to say which part he preferred, but nothing felt better than breathing the same air as him. It didn’t feel right when he was on his own. Nothing was the same anymore and that was the scariest part.   
Somehow Neil had got the hold of all his happiness, and put it in the palm of his hand. A good place to be kept warm, but also an easy way to get crushed. How did he let someone take so much responsibility for his laughs? He had never needed anyone before. At least not in this way.   
He couldn’t let Neil know how big part of Todd that yearned to tell him how much his smile meant. Because what if Neil wasn’t ready to be loved in the way Todd needed to?  
Wasn’t it better to love in secret than to not have anything to love at all?   
Maybe not.   
Probably not.  
But did he have a choice?  
One day he would have the confidence to tell Neil everything.   
But not yet.  
He had to figure out his own heart before he let someone else in. There was no chance that he could let himself get it broken even before he was ready to give it away. 

One day, he would be ready to speak the words his heart had made for Neil.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading <3


End file.
